Ever since Charlie asked me to be his best man, the prospect of the best man's speech has loomed over me. I have searched high and low through many worthy texts for a clear definition of a best man... and his speech. My research has only left me more ill-at-ease.
I found one quote that I thought might help. A quote from Shakespeare, Measure for Measure:
They say best men are moulded out of faults.
And, for the most, become much more the better
For being a little bad.
This may be true of this present Best Man and other Best Men; I am not - of course - advancing it as a description of Charlie...
Best Man. Best for what? Best for Charlie? Best friend? Best at reminiscing about the past and giving future advise to the new couple? Best at being able to speak about him? Best at telling witty and derogatory stories about him to amuse everyone else? Perhaps best at saying what the strong friendship between us has meant to me and to him.
Let me try that tact as a first avenue for this speech.
The Reverend Sydney Smith, a famous eighteenth century English wit, once said
Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship.
I don't know Charlie's attitude towards gravy. I presume he likes it. I regard it with indifference. Gravy is not the basis of our undying friendship. Then again, neither was Charlie's reason for originally introducing himself to me. The story goes like this. One day Charlie saw me across the School Yard and thought to himself "Hey! Isn't that the guy whose been in a movie. He'd be a really useful contact to have" And so he came across and introduced himself. Needless to say that since then out friendship has developed much stronger foundations than that.
Charlie and I had many wonderful years at St. Andrew's, spending, as I remember, most of our out of class time together, creating imaginary stories in which to play and arguing intensely about anything.
The habit in those days, as it was for many years after, was that I would go around to Charlie's place on a Friday afternoon. Charlie has told me, over the years about how he used to write in big letters across the Friday page of his diary "Nick Coming Today". Not having ever been one for anything as organised as a diary, I cannot lay claim to such an outward demonstration of commitment to our friendship. However I can say that in the terribly disorganised diary in my brain there was always a Friday page with the words "Going to Charlie's today" written in gold embossed letters.
When I moved into secondary school Charlie was still in Year 6 and it became harder for us to spend as much time together. Then at the beginning of the next Year Charlie moved to Trinity and our meetings became even more infrequent. It is no exaggeration to say that, my time at school, from then on, felt somehow empty. I couldn't help always comparing the new friends I made to Charlie, and being grossly disappointed. It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that there was only room for one Charlie on this small planet, and that, instead of being disappointed with my attempts to find someone to replace him in my life, I should simply count my numerous blessing at having found someone so special at all.
Charlie, in the mean time, in his usual way, was both impressing and scaring people at Trinity and making numerous new friends. On hearing of these new friends, I must admit to certain silly sensations of jealousy. Charlie had assumed, quite rightly, that our friendship and its continuing longevity was so obvious that it need not be stated to each other.
Over the years we found opportunities and reasons for spending more time together. Through this I finally managed to meet a lot of the new friends that Charlie had made, and have discovered - rather than being a threat, they have become a circle my closest friends as well. I have been doubly blessed by Charlie's appearance in my life. Not only have I been blessed by his presence but also by the presence of the people he introduced me to.
After leaving School, Charlie and I entered first year Uni together. He was doing Arts - me Science. The only subject we shared in common was Philosophy. Once again I was blessed by Charlie's presence in my life. It was now my turn to look at Charlie and think "Hey! He could be a really useful contact". Many are the times I remember, sitting in Holme Court Yard, eating my lunch, when Charlie would arrive and give me all the relevant information on the project we had just been given, by our tutor, Whom I had never seen or met.
I saw Charlie then, in what I think was one of the happiest times of his life (until now of course). Impressing everybody in SUDS. Doing well at Uni. Producing plays and proving that SUDS productions and Stress are not necessarily synonymous (A hard thing to prove, I can assure you). Charlie, I have always looked up to you - and during that time, more than ever, you inspired me.
Enough of the history lesson.
I'll try something else. How about being best at talking about the present.
Charlie and Hannah
There is a long standing, supposed, axiom of relationships that opposites attract. Charlie and Hannah are certainly very different people - and from that they can derive great hope for the future. I have a theory for why this might be the case, and it goes like this.
People, most often, want or aspire to be that which they can't. I want to be a well organised person who doesn't get distracted by tangents, Julian Knysh wants to be on time - the list goes on. I also believe that people are often attracted to those people that display these unattainable attributes. There are more examples of the differences between Charlie and Hannah than I have the time or energy to list. I have chosen only one which I feel is very interesting and makes my point well.
I have heard it said by many people, on first meeting Charlie, that they found him scary. When this is reported back to Charlie, he often seem surprised, confused and disappointed. As far as I can tell, scary on first meeting is something that Charlie does not want to be.
I have also heard reported of Hannah that she actually does desire to be scary on first meeting. I am afraid to say, Hannah, that scary is not the first thing that came to mind when I first met you, even though, after getting to know you, I have found you a very strong person, .
And so the cycle continues. Charlie and Hannah are attracted to each other through a mutual appreciation of those attributes in each other which they desire, but will probably never achieve. I am of course never implying that Hannah and Charlie's relationship is based on nothing more than whether they are scary or not, any more than our relationship is based on whether I am a very useful contact or not ... is it Charlie?
Let me try ,briefly before I sit down, to fulfil one more attribute of the best mans speech. That of being best at giving advise.
I was attending a twenty first birthday party once. I remember the advise given by the main speaker. It appears particularly relevant.
Most people talk about the early twenties as being the time for making mistakes and learning from them so that you never need to do them again. However people also talk about the early twenties as being the best years of your life.
The advise given to the new 21 year old at the party was this - that the early twenties are the years for making the best mistakes of your life. You must do them boldly, treasure them, be proud of them and always remember why and how you did them so that you will be able to do them all over again.
I am not for one minute trying to imply that Charlie or Hannah are making the best mistake. I am in fact confident that they are both making the best decision of their life. The advise, however remains exactly the same.
This is the best decision of your life. Do it boldly, treasure it, be proud of it and always remember why you did it so that you will be sure that you would do it all over again.
Charlie, this is one of the most important days of my life, as well as yours.
I can say, honestly, without a hint of exaggeration, that you have been an inspiration in my life. I can see in you many things to which I aspire - but will probably never achieve. You have blessed my life in many more way than I think you are aware.
You have been, and always shall be, my friend. I love you and I hold great hope in the future of your life together with Hannah.
[April 1996]
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