Josh's Best Man

Josh & Mel

A Spacey Oddity

A long time ago in galaxy, far, far away a boy was born. I know that many of you have suspected for a while that Josh was from another planet – and I’m here to tell you that it’s true.

Episode 1.

The Phantom Menace

I am told this is often what people think of Josh on first meeting. I’m not so sure about the menace part – but the phantom, well, yeah - that I can see that.

One family in particular, may have seen Josh as a Menace – Josh certainly appeared to them as a Phantom. You see – the thing was Josh was, and still is, often to be found in trees – perched – viewing the world from a-high. One day perched thus, in a tree in Victoria Park – just around the corner – resting in the branches - Josh was surprised by a family of picnic-ers who came and placed themselves in the shade of His tree. Josh found – that day - that he had many hours to wile away up in this tree while he waited for the family to move again. The only problem was – they didn’t. They resolutely stayed their, for hours - enjoying the shade and the warm summer air – completely oblivious to the phantom menace hovering in the branches above them. Finally, however, the call of the wild over-came Josh and he was compelled, for fear of rupturing his bladder – to remove himself from his vantage. The first awareness this poor family had of Josh’s existence was the slowly expanding shadow over their picnic and the strange flapping noise created by the rushing air through his over-coat. Like Luke from the city-in-the-sky, Josh plummeted from his perch and landed heavily – only metres away from the innocent, unsuspecting group below. He looked at them, they looked at him. Josh - tired, hot and panting from the strain of needing to relieve himself, simply looked at the group and made a noise like [DARTH NOISE IN MIC] – and ran off into the distance.

One of my first strongest memories of Josh was one of seeking his tuition in the cryptic ways of the String. I had heard epic tales and bold stories of a Master in the way of Finger Picking and found myself drawn to learn more of this Musical Mystery. Through a series of oddly related events I found myself in a strange house sitting with an even stranger man, discussing the intricate and mystical details of Twelve Bar Blues and the more marvelous hidden powers of The Riff.

Josh was house minding for the weekend and somehow I found myself there (I’m still not sure how I got there…) I was quickly engrossed in conversation, and knew, instantly, I had found a friend… How good a friend was only to be revealed later in the story.

Episode 2.

Attack of the Clones

Now, this is a little known fact… but all over the city at this very moment – there are clone construction factories, operating continuously. Seriously. I know. I’ve been in one of them. I was a captive for 10 years. I’ve seen how they operate. They’re well disguised and operate under our very noses. Josh has had some experience with them as well – the clone factory he was once a part of is known as Trinity Grammar School. Their clone produce – the private boys school boy.

Much like Anakin Skywalker, this period of Josh’s life gave him a healthy disregard for authority. It left him with desires to pull down the constructs around him and question everything accepted as normal.

Ironically, however, for all of its evils, this clone factory is also where Josh first discovered the power wielded by THE BLUES and all other forms of THE MUSIC. He learnt to wield his Electric Guitar with deadly force and soon found he could control many impressionable minds with the magical words handed down to him though eons of secret song writers. This power pulled him and invited him to follow. It was his calling. Mysterious voices inside him directed him to learn more of this scary underworld. It was his destiny.

He broke free from the shackles and mind-control attempts of the clone masters and instead devoted his life to the destruction of all worldly assumptions and preconceptions. He started to develop and hone these strange forces inside himself and after many years found that he could co-exist with the clones and their masters with no more than a flick of the wrist [JEDI MIND TRICK ACTION] and a quick “These are not the boys you’re looking for”. Much like Anakin, again, however, his well intentioned rebellion and unavoidable destiny threatened to pull him towards THE DARK SIDE.

Much like Episode 2, to which Josh’s life is currently being paralleled – this is also the wankiest, most angst ridden, love-sick and by far the worst written period of his life. Trust me – I was there, I read the poetry. I wrote some of it with him. We were both published in the same misguided and terrible book. I saw him in cafés and I failed to console him every time the world went wrong.

Episode 3.

The as yet untitled, unwritten part of Josh’s life, a dark, undefined and little understood period. Much of it is lost in the murky mists of time. Much of it could only be recalled through years of deep therapy, and skilled hypnosis, but I, for one would rather not go back there. Many who were there at the time have little to say on the subject (or little to say at all really).

THE FORCE was strong with this young lad – THE MUSIC still burned within him - but the Dark Side had a hefty grasp on him. Josh, at this time appeared to have thrown away his training – and seemed more interested in following his friends into adventure than concentrating on more long-term prospects. He still spoke of THE MUSIC, and still said he was trying to follow these dreams. Many were the times I was heard to say “There is no try – only do” For a while we feared that all was lost. Luckily, however we were to find there was no opportunistic Lando Calrisian waiting the wings of Josh’s future.

We all wait with anticipation, by the way Josh – much like the parallel film series I keep alluding to – for the future writing of an account of those times… Perhaps in your Memoirs.

One quote that I believe must be used – however – in the telling of this part of the story, comes from the woman who is now his wife. Mel once confided in me that she knew Josh during this period – and actually quite liked him – the only problem was, she found that THE DARK SIDE had such a strong grasp on him that he found it hard to keep a coherent conversation going for more than few minutes.

Another story I can relate from this period – because I was there and I was almost in a fit state of mind to remember it – comes from Josh’s and my first experience living together – at a house, or rather a grotto between two other houses – called Hereford Street.

During our stationing at Planet Hereford, Josh bore a stronger resemblance to Jabba the Hut than to a Jedi initiate. Many was the day that he could be found luxuriating on pile of mattresses in the middle of lounge room that was his bed, his head in the fireplace, recovering from the night before. These nights were, more often than not, spent in Cyberspace. No, he was not surfing the net for Johnny the Homicidal Maniac websites - but surfing into oblivion at the squat house disguised as an art gallery across the road. It was here that Josh took refuge from the Empire after we were evicted. The story of our eviction… is one in which Josh plays a central role.

It was the morning after the night before – I had got home at 5:00 in the morning to discover no-one else in the house but Josh. No one actually slept at Hereford street out of choice any more – we just paid rent there on the off chance we couldn’t find anywhere else to stay for the night.

The door bell rang at 9:00, and I got up – with much swearing and other exclamations – and opened the door – in my boxer shorts – to a group of men that looked like they belonged in Reservoir Dogs. They explained to me slowly and carefully that they were the owners of and estate agent for the house and that they had arranged to see the house seom days ago – my house mates had neglected to warn me – no wonder no one else was home.

Once my brain started working – I slammed the door shut on them, got dressed and ran upstairs to wake Josh – he was in his accustomed place on the mattresses with his head the fire place. I shook and shook him and finally got a grunt. I explained the situation as quickly as possible – got him agree to throw the pizza boxes full of ash out the window – hid the bongs, pick up the cat shit and generally clean up the living room while I stalled them down-stairs.

Now, - stalling them down-stairs was more difficult than I thought, but I managed to avert their attention in the front garden for a while. After some time I finally gave in and let them in. I shepherd them quickly past the worst parts of the hall way and took them, quickly into the living room – which I expected to now be horribly dirty, rather than nuclear waste pit it had been when Josh started.

What I discovered when we walked into the living room was that Josh had got together enough energy – just - to crawl across the room, turn on Pink Floyd at full volume and collapse with his head between the speakers. He had also sent one of the pizza boxes full of ash flying across the room, for the owner of the house to step in when he entered. Revealed from under his bed clothes, he now lay face-down across the middle of the living room, semi-naked, with only his dirty flesh coloured Y-fronts on, fast asleep, listening to Pink Floyd, in a worse pile of cigarette ash, Cat droppings and other paraphernalia than had been there a few minutes earlier.

I looked at the men in black suits beside me. “This is Josh” I said of the dulcet tones of Pink Floyd – “He’s just staying with us for a while.” The eviction notice was delivered, by hand, the next day.

Now shortly after this period – for a while. I went away. I had my own callings to answer – my own destiny to follow out there in the wide universe. And when I returned, it was to find a new Josh. One would almost say – a Josh reborn. Let’s go as far as to say, Josh’s spiritual progeny (you see where I’m going with this – don’t you) Much like Josh had transformed himself – reincarnated, into a new form. Anakin has turned into Luke – a new hope had been born.

Episode 4.

A New Hope

When I returned from the other side of the Galaxy… I mean the Earth - … - it was to find a new Josh. When Josh lived with us – in Surry Hills, he was actually – for a short time, the cleanest person in the household.

He had – after his dance with the DARK SIDE – found joy in a completely different sort of high. No coffee, no meat, no cigarettes, no alcohol – he had found a new calling to be a cleaner, freer Josh. And was once again confusing the hell out of us – and loving it.

Through all of this, though. Even though his training was going well. Even though the force was still strong in him. Even though I could see the training Jedi, now under the watchful eye of Amelia, was finally using his gifts in the ways of THE MUSIC for the right side – we still worried. And many was the night Amelia could be heard saying to me “There is another” – she’d had too many cigarettes the night beofre you see – “There is another – there must be… somewhere… he can’t be the only one in existence… can he?… surely”

Episode 5

Josh Strikes Back

During this time, news came from the underground of the return of a certain legendary lady. Unfortunately, she was still a captive of the Emperor. Josh made it his mission to free the damsel in distress and to make her his own. Storming in like a trooper, within weeks the enemy was defeated and victory was assured.

Josh had previously had two great loves in his life… - I hope you don’t mind me revealing this now, Josh. They are small, furry and prone to face plants. Bob and Mogwai were the focus of Josh’s feline fetish… Mel is not furry and is slightly less prone to face planting (as far as I know) – but she is possessed of a certain kittenish, feline demeanor and appearance… - Is it any wonder, therefore that she should have captivated Josh from the start.

Another reason, that must be mentioned here, for Mel’s appropriateness for Josh – is a slightly more subtle one. I had often been concerned that, however much Mel was in love with Josh for his quirky-ness and spacey oddity – that to maintain those feelings would be a difficult struggle if one were not similarly inclined to bizarreness. I couldn’t see what it was in Mel’s character that gave her an understanding of what it was to be as different as Josh. How could Mel understand this strange creature without – herself - having some odd qualities that would give her experience with being a social outcast. I dispaired that she was just a little bit too normal.

That was, of course, until I had the revelationary experience of spending time with Mel during the Great Beer Hunt. If you have not experienced The Great Beer Hunt – let me try to give you some idea of its severity. At some time around midnight – or whatever the local closing times are in the area – if you have been drinking in the presence of Mel, you will find that she transforms – evolves – mutates – from Mild Mannered Mel, in to the Great Beer Guzzling Beast of Trall. No pub wall is her obstical – she will smash them down without a thought. No bar man or woman is her equal as she will squash them with the cry “What do you mean your licence doesn’t cover it!!!!” And no risk to life or limb is too great as she will threaten to jump from moving cars rather than miss an opportunity to find another long-neck. With the threatening war cry “Stop the car or I’ll jump – you …” Well I’ll let you fill in the rest – I’m sure.

As Josh’s careful watcher at the time – I was glad of this experience with Mel. It heartened me, and gave me faith that she was in some small way, capable of knowing what it is like to come from the wrong side of reality. Some idea of what it is to not know difference between reality and fantasy. Some concept of what it is to be obsessional and mad, herself.

As defenders of Josh’s home base at the time… (our defenses were built skillfully from large piles of pide pizza boxes out the front of our house), no news could have brought a greater boost to morale, in the ranks of the rebellion, than to see our favourite Jedi find his Jedette. And what prouder moment could there have been than to have him propose to her in our lounge room.

Episode 6

The Return of the Jedi

Now having defeated the clones, battled the Dark Side and mastered the force of music Josh had completed his training and had graduated into a true Jedi Knight.

It must be said that to love a Jedi is not an easy task, they are mysterious and strange creatures. I never doubted that Josh could find someone who could love him despite his stranger aspects but how wondrous for him to find someone who loves him because of them.

Josh, like most people in your life I love the fact that you are truly twisted and that you approach life in an off-kilter fashion but Mel, I think, is unique in the fact that she doesn’t just love those things about you but that she love you because of them.

[Mel bit]

Anakin Skywalker said “Compassion is central to a Jedi’s life” and I know few people who demonstrate this quality wholly with their life. Josh is certainly one of them. I have touched very lightly on my life with Josh but if asked to give an account of our friendship I would say that he has been one of the most loyal, generous and loving men that I have had the privilege to call my friend.

Mel I can honestly say that there is no-one else I would consider trusting with the beautiful and fragile enigma that is my friend Josh. You have brought joy to his life that I did not seriously believe possible – we were right – there was another. Thank you for being there. Thank you for finding him and thank you for seeing the true wookie in the man.

Josh, you have and always will be my friend – and it gives me great pleasure – at this point in your travels through galactic history, to be with you. To see you embark on new and exciting adventures in space and time. You bring new hope to me, and to everyone you touch. Today, in your union with Mel, we witness the seed of a new generation of Jedi might and power. And I say to both of you, May you live long and prosper… - I mean - may the force be with you.

[September 2002]